Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
