there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
