Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
