I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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