she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
