508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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