fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
