and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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