Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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