I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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