Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
