I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
