Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
