just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
