so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
