Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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