sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
