it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
