I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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