My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
