wanna go halves on a baby?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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