When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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