Life is so much better after having sex.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
