I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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