That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
