im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
