i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
