Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
