wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just got carded by a ten year old.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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