i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
