I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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