All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
