Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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