Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
