I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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