Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
