I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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