I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
