Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
