OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
