Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
