i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
