i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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