Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Best friends brother. Beat that.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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