1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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