Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
