bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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