i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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