Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
