Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
