fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
