im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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