someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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